I got a new phone! After the $150 credit, $50 account credit and $50 rebate, my bill and my phone were way less. After the rebate, the phone will have been like $30.00.

I setup mobile email at my cell phone number @ strangestangel.com or you can email me at swadehed@yahoo.com (I think). I also have gmail.com. LOL

Gotta go back to work!

- k

Not feeling especially great today, something sinusy and making my tonsils hurt. Otherwise I'm in a fair mood. I had an interesting night moving furniture in the office area, getting online for "T's" computer and then some guy related events in her life.

Thinking on the guy related events, I focused on some interesting thoughts and behaviors. One item that seemed like an unintentional theme last night was crushes of admiration. It seems like over time, as we get older we some times develop "crushes" on our peers that are based on our admiration and respect for them. I've had these before which developed into other areas of attraction but lately I've been thinking about someone I know on the basis more of admiration than attraction. While talking with "T", it sounds like she has an admireer that feels that way for her ... a "love" grown out of the admiration and respect felt for her.

I remember touching on this topic in Psych 101 years ago. It seems that it was something I forgot existed, that you could develop an infatuation based on your admiration/envy/respect/etc for someone and realize that you really like them but you're not necessarily attracted to them, per se. That could develop too I would think after enough time but the point is, I think it's an interesting part of human life.

This also leads me to a conversation "T" and I had about romantic love. We know that there are chemical reactions in the brain that cause euphoria when we're "in love". It seems these chemical reactions do fade over time and a lot of couples don't weather this fading effect well. I've been in those relationships before where the lust and chemistry was overwhelming but only to eventually uncover that we had little in common or little genuine affective/respect/love for each other.

I think the secret in that is to realize that the "chemistry" will start to fade. Hopefully what you have at the end of that experience is genuine respect/love/empathy/mutal interests/etc left. Some times your love can become your friend in a relationship but really, they should have always been a dear and respected partner and after the urges leave the relationship, the other good aspects of it should be nurtured.

Blah blah blah, right? I'm just thinking too much. Must be the sinus medication I took.

"Are friends electric?"

They shouldn't be ... and they shouldn't be objects either but fully respected individuals whom you strive to understand. Or something. It's not cold outside, Gary ...

- k

Finally all moved into the new place! I look like I went a round with George St. Pierre but otherwise, I'm good. The cats are adjusting well and I like Tess' dog, Sadie. The only issue is that Earl is freakishly skittish so he's not thrilled but at least he's not hiding as much.

Nothing much else going on, just working and wishing I were home unpacking. I can't wait to have that all done and get the house warming/birthday concept in the planning stages. I'm not sure where we would put people though, it's a small house and already crammed with our belongings.

I hope everyone had a nice, safe long weekend. If you get a chance and have spare cash (I know, most of us don't) please donate to the March of Dimes fund raiser at either of these links.

http://jailandbail.marchofdimes.com/shellygullick
OR
http://jailandbail.marchofdimes.com/Julzb_az

- k

It's Monday, again. I know I'm not the only one who don't like Mondays but geeez.

In other news, still not moved totally. Still need to move my furniture, pack the odds 'n ends and move my remaining clothes. It seems daunting though. I really do hate moving. I like being moved and into a new, fresh place but the whole back breaking work thing turns me off.

Speaking of that, I didn't really do any major lifting Sunday but my lower back felt even more tweaked than it had all last week. It's was like someone kicked me in the lower spine with steel toed shoes. I couldn't sleep last night b/c the pain was so bad and it made my legs and hands hurt something terrible. It's barely getting hot and already it's killing my body. How I long for cooler climates.

In the final bit o' Monday news, I tried to call my Mom for Mother's Day, despite the fact that we're "on the outs". As usual, her phone was busy (aka off the hook). I called Mom 2.0 and wished her Happy Mother's day and she seemed glad I called. I talked to my Dad who said I should leave a message at work work so she knows I at least made some effort. I said I would but got kind of mad b/c I'm the one making the effort and she's the one not returning my calls and acting like she is five years old. *shrug*

Life requires a lot of thought and a lot of systematic planning. I never realized this when I was younger. It's a 50/50 split on whether I'm glad I realize it now. Some times I just wish I could ignore things like I did when I was younger. Now I feel guilty about everything. Maybe I just need more B12?

Toil on fellow workers.

- k

Please start reading and commenting to my new "public" blog at sinisterbeauty.net. Any females wishing to have a public blog hosted at the domain are welcome to email me at kimberly at strangestangel dot com.

My private entries will remain here and at my private myspace page. I know, big whoop!

*rubs sore jaw*

- k

I woke up with nasty cramps this morning. Nothing yet but I'm glad I'm working from home. Thankfully the Dilaudid I squirreled away is making me happy, happy! :-) I got my coffee, my smokes (I gotta quit) and I'm content. Even enough to work today.

Things still suck as the only game plan at this juncture is to reup my evil lease for another 6 months and try to save more money and look at what my "vitural id" situation is at that point. I can't go no where. Tess and I are talking about doing an apartment transfer in July to a bigger place so we can room together.

Well, I should probably clock into work and shut down my home internet connection. I can't get online when I'm connected to the work network. Bummer. Talk to you later peeps.

- k

I don't know if you know but for about 10 years, I had sinisterbeauty.com registered. I have hosting with Dreamhost and it was set to auto renew yearly (well all my other domains do). For some reason, it didn't get renewed and I didn't know. It was purchased by some dbag who is holding it ransom for $4,000. I don't have that kind of money so I registered two new domains to replace it, sinisterbeauty.net and sinisterbeauty.org.

There are several other variations out there but for me, it's kind of my baby. I have another domain, strangestangel.com which I haven't updated in a few years. I would like to get back into my creativity soon, however, b/c I feel I've been "away" too long.

Once the DNS information is populated, the offer of course will always stand to Ashlie, Stephanie and Arianne. Once we have a layout uploaded, then females I know are welcome to email me about hosting. This would only be offered to women I actually a) know and b) have something they want to share like digital photography, an insightful blog, etc. I hope to make sinisterbeauty.org/.net what sinisterbeauty.com wasn't (aka updated more frequently).

I'm excited! I'll x-post on myspace.

- k

I also have a domain, satanasdivinorum.com. Should I reregister it or let it drop? It renews in three months.

Here is a most recent picture. I'm looking weirder as I get older. Blonde does suit me though so I'm stickin' with it. I should update my lil avatar icon thingy.

( recent picture )

2/26/2006 11:35:39 PM
we can return


i beg desperately with helpless eyes ( read more... )

I had surgery on Tuesday, March 24th and am happy to report the "grapefruit" was successfully removed, the large cyst on my right ovary had resolved itself and they were able to sew me up without any problems!

Now this doesn't mean it's easy-peasy for getting pregnant but it means for perhaps up to two years, I may still have a uterus. They kept reminding me that it could return within two years so my best window for trying to get pregnant is the next two years. If I do get pregnant, I will not be able to go into labor b/c of the scaring at the top of my uterus. Scars don't stretch so I couldn't go into labor w/o risking rupturing.

Otherwise I had no fears and no tears going into surgery. I did my usual joke cracking and went right to ni ni land. I woke up with 4 shots of Morphine and not having a clue where I was.

The story gets a little pathetic post op when my Mom 1.0 ditched me within an hour of getting out of surgery. She took off, not calling any one and just tossing my cell to me to answer calls on several shots of Morphine and the effects of anesthesia. I know I talked to several people right after surgery but I don't know who all I called or talked to. If you called or I didn't call you, I'm so sorry! I was on Morphine, anesthesia and Dilaudid for 4 days (well including today) so I have been really patchy on all the events. I did talk to Ashlie for a few hours and that was great since we don't talk much on the phone. I'm really shy about talking on the phone so it was great to catch up, we should talk like that more often.

After Mom bailed, the rest is patchy other than I tried to call her all day after she left and she wouldn't answer. When she called me back at like 10 or 11 pm, she called me a whiner/crybaby/wuss for crying when they removed the catheter (I screamed) and when they made me walk even though my pain was out-of-control and I had nothing for the hugely swollen abdomen. She yelled at me and when I brought up how I was there for her every day she was in the hospital for her heart surgery, how she's alive b/c I got her to the hospital and talked her into the angiogram that basically saved her life, she said "I don't need a babysitter" and yelled names at me. I told her she's not my Mother.

She didn't call me at all while I was in the hospital. She did call for information on me the last day and I told the nurse if she wanted info on me, she could speak directly with me. She hung up.
I got home Thursday afternoon and slept the rest of the day. I just started to realize how jacked up all the drugs made me b/c at the time I was talking with people, I felt totally awake and aware but now I hardly remember the stay at the hospital. I didn't even remember where I put my glasses when I got home. I do remember a few conversations but really, I appologize if I didn't call people or let people know what was going on. I was mostly reacting to my environment and not focusing on contating people. That's why I had asked my Mom 1.0 to handle it but apparently she thinks I'm a worthless peice-of-shit.

She did barge in yesterday using her key and made some non-sense comments as she woke me up. I went to the restroom only to find excessive bleeding and again, when I screamed for my Mother, she was no where to be found. I did call the doctor-on-call to say that I'm bleeding waaay more than they told me I might at the hospital and she said that was normal. I'm skeptical b/c I'm gushing blood and they said "light spotting" but if it gets worse, I'll call again.

If you can't tell, I'm on Dilaudid right now. LOL I went Friday and most of Saturday with no pain meds so it's good to not be in excruitating pain for a while. There are about 6 levels of stiches and I'm freaked out every time I moved and shift funny that I'll rip something! I was hallucinating in the hospital and think I was hallucinating last night when I went to bed either that or just having a trippy dream.
I feel a bit loopy though nothing too extreme though of course it doesn't feel like that at first until after you come off the Diladid/Morphine/etc and then you're like "what was going on?".

Thank you Ashlie and Elliot & Ana for the phone calls to see how I was doing. I'm sorry Eva that I missed you, I hope I had the right number when I texted you. Dawn, I'm sorry I missed you too! Thanks Jenn for the prayers and good vibes. For anyone else I forgot to call or who called me and I just don't remember, I'm sorry! I know you understand. As I start to feel better, I'll try to catch up with people. I know it's lame I need to have major surgery to pick up my phone and call my friends but I'm a hermit. I know I need to break free but at almost 30 (my birthday is in July), I'm probably set in my ways.
I'm glad the worse is over. The pain won't last long and soon hopefully I'll be moving forward with my life. I truly want to have a normal life with a family of my own and a job that satisfies me.

Speaking of jobs, things have been ridiculously flakey with the opportunity I had mentioned before. I'm not putting my eggs all in that basket and think if it doesn't work out, I'd like to do something creative on the side. I'm not 100% sure what but life is getting shorter and more complicated the older we get, I want maximum happiness and I deserve it. I'm open to ideas and suggestions! Happiness networking? LOL

love - kimberly

PS. If I'm flakey, spacey or otherwise weird for a few more days, please forgive me!

Frightening and amusing!



- k

it seems simple ...
in the sunshine and from the corner of your eyes
it's running down our faces all the time
in the tears we cry to heal what feels broken inside
maybe it's the love i'm searching for ...
fumbling with my hands in the dark tonight
maybe it's in the sound of your breathing ...
slow and light while you think of what to say
so far away on the other side
i think it's all over the place
in the hands holding mine that say it's alright
it feels sureal when i think about
the messy jumble of emotions i can't fight
it's in the words that tumble from my lips
so hard to get them to come out right
you know it's not easy
but it's simple ...

the journey is through this pain
not away from it ...

I should stop listening to My Bloody Valentine right now. I like the song I'm listening which is "When You Sleep" which Mira did a good cover of. It's depressing the Hell out of me. I am already in kind of an anxious/depressed/lonely mood but this not helping. Nor did listening to the Cure. I need to keep iTunes from hitting on any Morrissey while I'm at it. *gah*

I wish I could see the future or at least know if I'm going to find the things I want to find in life. If not that, then at have some measure of control over the things going on in my head. If not THAT, maybe force myself to be more occupied with other things and not focus so much on the things in my life that seem to be missing or the people I'm missing. If not THAT, maybe a bullet?

*gah*

Ok I have to switch music now!

*fiddles with iTunes*

Ah, My Ruin ... no not in the mood though, cool band though. Actually ... maybe I will listen to My Ruin because it's very much speaking to my angry/anxious/lonely feelings. Hmm.

Eh, I don't know. I feel restless. Blah. I want to smash something oddly enough.

- k

These photos are sort of Gillian Anderson - esque? Maybe if you're drunk and crossed eyed? That's the only tv related I item I have to post. :-D

- Agent Kimby

	i'll show you my
	the good one

From: Mom 2.0
Sent: Thursday, December 28, 2006 4:07 PM
To: Kimberly
Subject: RE: YIPEE!



Kim:



That's exciting! We look forward to hearing from you.



Love ya.



_____


From: Kimberly
Sent: Thursday, December 28, 2006 5:03 PM
To: Mom 2.0
Subject: YIPEE!



Mom 2.0:



I just wrote my first insurance policy! I'll have to call you and Dad and
tell you about it. Boring, I know but I'm so excited!!! :-)



Kimberly

Personal Lines Dept.

Parents dog max.

Things not going well. Depressed. Very stressed out. Nothing is going well. But I am, physicaly speaking, ok. I just wanted to update.

- k