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"How, In All Honesty ..."

I've been kicking around writing an entry for a few days now (and had started on quite a good one when my lap top decided deleting the text would be a HOOT) but haven't had quite the energy required to do so. But it's an overcast Saturday, the tunes are blaring via my pink Hello Kitty earbuds and I'm well rested.


So, what's been on this mind these past weeks? Mostly bodily discomfort. This discomfort, woe discomfort, has robbed me of rest and energy, rendering my mind nearly incapable of rational neigh intelligible thought or statement. But here I am, finally some what rested, a bit weary in heart and having made an appointment with my doctor. God, there's no disappointment like the disappointment a doctor can deliver when you're feeling like the gum under King Kong's shoe. Wait, or is that a crushed islander?


*does brief samba*


Here I am, a woman with the body of an elderly sex-pot (hey my rack still looks great!) and with a bit less of the sex life. I kick around my thoughts of health vs success vs loneliness vs the rest of my life. You may ask yourself, what have these things in common ma lady? I'll tell ya ...


My health, well as we know from the last several years has been here, there and every like a Dr. Seuss character. First "female" issues, then thyroid, then pain/swelling/bleeding etc from various areas and a huge sense of fogginess and fatigue. Great, what an exciting date I sound like?! Would you like to hear about my sciatica too?


Then, there's success ... oh success or lack thereof. So here I am, young and robbed of my energy and vitality. I'm struggling just to make it to work every day then BAM as hard as I worked, I get laid off the one job I was starting to maybe find a measure of success at. I have to start over and find that again, I'm barely able to stay conscious let alone have the energy to write after work or put any time into the many creative ideas I have ... before I loose consciousness. Here I am, young, tired and barely able to make it through a work day. Want to hear about my debts too?


Then there's LONELINESS. Oh the great bane of the single persons existence at some point. Here's the quandary, I would rather ... RATHER be lonely than unhappy. Yes, I'm some times unhappy being alone, that's a given I guess if you have a heart ... that actually beats. The thing is, I have been in the long term relationship that didn't quite work out and I wasn't happy just "being" with someone. I can never again justify spending any time at all with someone just to BE with someone. I'd rather just be celibate and lonely than disappointed.


Yes, I know there are "millions of fish in the sea" but I only want one. The Right One.


Here I am then with all these things on my little, tiny, undereducated mind. Really, I'd love my favorite Welsh pop star to fall out of the sky and sweep me off my feet but you know, the fantasy is almost always better than reality. It bears to consider that I may never be happy. I don't feel bad that it is some times one's lot in life to not have every thing they want. I'm ok with that. I know a lot of people are bitter about things like that but I'm not. It just bugs me now and then but I remember that for me, in my mind and with my feelings about life, this is just another jog around the track and what does it really mean in the terms of eternity?


Not. Much.


You ruin me, heart of mine. But I love ya. *hugs self*


I like me, why should I lie? Yes, I'm highly delusional between self-deprecation and self-aggrandizing behavior ... I'm lucky I have any sense of self! At least I'm charming (aggrandizing).


"you bring me stormy seas with your deceit"



- k

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
frozen_dream
Feb. 19th, 2011 07:09 pm (UTC)
You are amazing Kimberly. You feel like shit and have everything against you right now yet your still smiling and loving yourself. You have amazing courage and light inside you hun.

I'm sorry you got laid off work. That must be really scary, but I know how driven you are and it's only going to be a matter of time before you find something else.

As far as finding Mr. right, your still young! Don't throw the towel in yet. You never know when or where you will find love. Don't give up trying because you might miss the right one.

Love you babe!
socraticlaughtr
Feb. 19th, 2011 07:31 pm (UTC)
Cool AV!
frozen_dream
Feb. 21st, 2011 12:51 am (UTC)
Thanks! :)
socraticlaughtr
Feb. 19th, 2011 07:31 pm (UTC)
~hugs~ Sweety.
kimberly
Feb. 19th, 2011 08:57 pm (UTC)
(I'm going to beat my lap top to DEATH ... just wrong a long response which totally got deleted b/f I could click "post")

Ash - some times it's hard to accept that any one loves you but it's important to realize that people can and do. Most of all, you have to see what's special about yourself. God, getting older is kind of cool! :-)

I did find another job but I was at my old job 5 years and it's hard to let it go. I was making a name for myself, I worked my ass off and now I'm starting over. It's tough with less energy and drive but hey, the future is still bright!

I'm not trying to keep my eyes closed but at the same time, I'm trying to open them widely enough to not disapoint myself. Sylvia too said that some times, it's just not in your plan. If it is for me, great but if not then I've got the best friends a girl could ask for!

I love ya, girlie!

Josh - *hugs* Hey, look at all this great weather we're getting! :-) Can't be all bad. Except this new respiratory infection. *cough*
arivalscientist
Feb. 20th, 2011 12:07 am (UTC)
At least you still have Jackhammer Jesus, right?
The son of God never disappoints :-)
kimberly
Feb. 20th, 2011 03:50 am (UTC)
Re: At least you still have Jackhammer Jesus, right?
Yes, I still have the most infamous and blastphemous toy of all time. It seems to keep hanging in there!
arivalscientist
Feb. 20th, 2011 11:05 am (UTC)
Re: At least you still have Jackhammer Jesus, right?
It's better than hot make out sessions and dry-humping. ;-)
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )