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I am starting to think I just need brain breaks to really feel more alive and awake in the evenings. I came home tonight and just sat in bed with Artie, dozing slightly and that seems to have helped.

Now to the meat of my motivating post ... here I am, 31 and single. I know you're sick of hearing it but HEY, I'm sick of saying it!! I've met 3 guys in real-life lately who seem in varying degrees to be interested in me. All three are very nice and interesting in their own very special ways.

1. Very good looking, a bit "not tall" but that's ok. He seems interested but not overly which is a buzz kill for me. I don't want "stalker" devotion but at least something a little more motivated, like oh, answering a text where I suggest we have dinner. I actually heard the crickets after that. *shame*

2. Not bad looking, sort of boyishly cute. He's, again "not tall" but has beautiful eyes. He seems very interested in me and even CALLED ME. That doesn't happen. For some reason though, I'm just not really jiving.

3. Tall! Who knew! Not really my type looks wise and he's 6 years younger. I'm really looking for someone older, more distinguished. As much as I love video games, scifi and all things nerdy, that's not what I want to spend 99.9% of my time talking about.

I think to myself "where is my soul mate"? Is he a twisted weirdo like I am? I hope he's artistic. My luck though, he's a serial killer. I'll find out on date three when he doesn't want to have sex, he wants to eat my liver with a nice Chianti.

You know what's really neurotic? Talking to men online. I've been down that road several times and admittedly, had some fun with it. It usually ends up in promises of coming to visit AZ for one reason or another then *POOF* like a fart in a wind tunnel, they're gone. The ones that stick around are the ones that live in the same state but want to stalk me ... and probably eat my liver. We don't want to go down THAT road.

Here I am, in pink lip gloss and a frilly top, trying not to look like a sow and thinking "there's gotta be a better way". I've tried Match.com *flips the bird* and well, that resulted in my telephone number being spewed all over the mens restroom of a dive bar and the guy telling me I drove him to drink. All because I had been having some health problems that made me not feel like spending every minute of the day together. That's what you get for "taking a break".

It's sad to say that, yes, I am bitter. I was with someone for almost 9 years and it only resulted in more hurt than I can describe. No kids either. Now, I'm staring down never having children at all due to my always iffy reproductive organs.

I spent another many years with someone who couldn't be bothered to ever visit me even though he could clearly come home a few times a year to see his family who LIVES IN THE SAME STATE AS ME! WTF? Really? You're going to be 45 minutes away and you can't say "I'm going to see my *girlfriend* for a few hours"?! Years of this, years and I stuck by him and was celibate, waiting for him. The thanks I get, not bothering to call or even ask me why I'm distant. I guess it's easier to just assume it's done and not stir the pot by asking me how I feel or acknowledging any thing.

So, wanna date me?

Yeah, my dating karma is in the shitter. I should be positive but feeling like I'm 70 years old every day makes it hard to feel positive about meeting Mr. Right. I'm often too tired to date a guy locally and at times secretly just hope for someone to listen to me and maybe see every few months for a while until a reasonable bond of trust has been built. I need that buffer to trust again.

Wow if I had balls, I would kick myself in them.

- k



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 10th, 2011 04:16 am (UTC)
I've been alone for so long that I feel more awkward on dates than alone.

I prefer hanging out with friends than "dating".

meh. I have one person that I talk to almost daily and that seems to fill my quota of companionship.

Btw: I was thinking of seeing The Adjustment bureau tomorrow. Do you wanna go see it as well?
Mar. 10th, 2011 04:25 am (UTC)
I understand the feeling. I've been on maybe 3 dates on the last 5 years. I also prefer hanging out with friends but eh. I have talked to "R" daily for years but finally, the weight of "noncomittal" has weighed me down.

I have to work tomorrow as usual and when I get home, I'm so exhausted I want to die. That's why I hardly go out. Fatigue sucks.
Mar. 10th, 2011 05:17 am (UTC)
I am on a week and a half off from work (spring break),
Want me to come over and cook for you?
Mar. 10th, 2011 04:59 am (UTC)
Ugh. Spend no more time on #1. Don't go down that path again!

What hobbies have you been neglecting lately? Do something fun where you get to meet people. :)
Mar. 10th, 2011 05:55 am (UTC)
Eva-bear - I know, right!? No more guys like that. I've been neglecting a lot for a long time though I have been writing a wee tiny miniscule bit which is a big improvement. I have gone out twice in the last several months to "da club" but haven't really danced, too exhausted. I'm trying to go out even just to meet people but a lot of the time, I just stay home b/c I'm tired.

Josh - I've been so tired now for a long time. I really am amazed I have been awake this long. I think the "dozing" earlier really helped. I should do that every day when I get home.

I've been at the point where I drink three cups of coffee (one at 3pm) and I still come home barely able to keep upright. I'm so tired that I feel like I could fall asleep and die.

I need to take my multi-vitamins again.

I'm getting sick of saying it but I'm hoping my drs will find whatever is going to get me back to normal. I miss being upbeat, perky and energetic. I haven't been that in years and every thing has suffered. I feel like a husk.
Mar. 13th, 2011 07:54 pm (UTC)
Don't take this the wrong way, because I in no way think you are unattractive at all. I just want to share what I have discovered...

I've been working out for 2 weeks solid now. (I didn't get to go Friday though, had to take yesterday off to go to the protests in Madison, and then today I'm stuck because a coyote decided to dart in front of my car and smashed it up bad, however...), so I can't tell you how life changing it's been.
Yes, it's a bit tough some times to keep at, especially in the first couple weeks while your body adjusts and such, but, once you get going and have a set routine, I can assure you, you will feel so good, I mean so much better than how you would feel just living "normally" how most American's do.

I've gone from being really depressed and inactive, a couch potato and always kind of pouty or in a bad mood, to now being much happier, having a ton more energy, and hardly any signs of depression at all (besides the fact that I smashed my "baby" up so badly [I loved that car so much, I hope they can fix it] so blah). But even that, although I was upset about it last night, has a solution which I'm sure I'll get tomorrow.

So, I say, don't worry about boys. Go work out. Get super healthy. Feel awesome about yourself. When you walk with your head held high and feeling great about yourself, you'll be surprised how much easier it is to find someone. :)

I'd hook ya up with guy friends, but uh, we've done that once kinda sorta, and that was no good, didn't really work out that great hehe.:P

Love ya so much Kimmy. I am sure that the right person will come along. But!!! You have to stop wasting so much time with the wrong person. For example, the R dude who comes and sees his family but blows you off. I really feel that he is just going along with it with you, but that he has no interest in actually working on or being in a serious relationship. Guys like that, just let them go, and don't cling on to them.

Stay available and don't try to had, and before you know it, you'll find a good guy.

And don't feel too bad about the whole baby thing. I've been trying for over 2 years, all with no luck. I'm now diagnosed as infertile. Bummer huh?
But, I'm going to keep trying. Perhaps my body is waiting to be as healthy as I can get again. Guess we'll have to wait and see. If I do finally have a baby at some point, you'll absolutely have to be an auntie to him/her. :)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )