the kimberly (kimberly) wrote,
the kimberly

too neurotic to live (I've said this before)

I am starting to think I just need brain breaks to really feel more alive and awake in the evenings. I came home tonight and just sat in bed with Artie, dozing slightly and that seems to have helped.

Now to the meat of my motivating post ... here I am, 31 and single. I know you're sick of hearing it but HEY, I'm sick of saying it!! I've met 3 guys in real-life lately who seem in varying degrees to be interested in me. All three are very nice and interesting in their own very special ways.

1. Very good looking, a bit "not tall" but that's ok. He seems interested but not overly which is a buzz kill for me. I don't want "stalker" devotion but at least something a little more motivated, like oh, answering a text where I suggest we have dinner. I actually heard the crickets after that. *shame*

2. Not bad looking, sort of boyishly cute. He's, again "not tall" but has beautiful eyes. He seems very interested in me and even CALLED ME. That doesn't happen. For some reason though, I'm just not really jiving.

3. Tall! Who knew! Not really my type looks wise and he's 6 years younger. I'm really looking for someone older, more distinguished. As much as I love video games, scifi and all things nerdy, that's not what I want to spend 99.9% of my time talking about.

I think to myself "where is my soul mate"? Is he a twisted weirdo like I am? I hope he's artistic. My luck though, he's a serial killer. I'll find out on date three when he doesn't want to have sex, he wants to eat my liver with a nice Chianti.

You know what's really neurotic? Talking to men online. I've been down that road several times and admittedly, had some fun with it. It usually ends up in promises of coming to visit AZ for one reason or another then *POOF* like a fart in a wind tunnel, they're gone. The ones that stick around are the ones that live in the same state but want to stalk me ... and probably eat my liver. We don't want to go down THAT road.

Here I am, in pink lip gloss and a frilly top, trying not to look like a sow and thinking "there's gotta be a better way". I've tried *flips the bird* and well, that resulted in my telephone number being spewed all over the mens restroom of a dive bar and the guy telling me I drove him to drink. All because I had been having some health problems that made me not feel like spending every minute of the day together. That's what you get for "taking a break".

It's sad to say that, yes, I am bitter. I was with someone for almost 9 years and it only resulted in more hurt than I can describe. No kids either. Now, I'm staring down never having children at all due to my always iffy reproductive organs.

I spent another many years with someone who couldn't be bothered to ever visit me even though he could clearly come home a few times a year to see his family who LIVES IN THE SAME STATE AS ME! WTF? Really? You're going to be 45 minutes away and you can't say "I'm going to see my *girlfriend* for a few hours"?! Years of this, years and I stuck by him and was celibate, waiting for him. The thanks I get, not bothering to call or even ask me why I'm distant. I guess it's easier to just assume it's done and not stir the pot by asking me how I feel or acknowledging any thing.

So, wanna date me?

Yeah, my dating karma is in the shitter. I should be positive but feeling like I'm 70 years old every day makes it hard to feel positive about meeting Mr. Right. I'm often too tired to date a guy locally and at times secretly just hope for someone to listen to me and maybe see every few months for a while until a reasonable bond of trust has been built. I need that buffer to trust again.

Wow if I had balls, I would kick myself in them.

- k
Tags: dating, health
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