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Why don’t I just write country songs? That can’t be too hard, right? *ha*

Enough of that silliness, in honesty I have been thinking about resuming my blogging because it used to go so far in keeping me sane. Now, I could use something to keep me awake. The fatigue I feel sucks much of the life out of me and shuts me off from doing the things I love, writing, karaoke, going to concerts, dancing, dating.

Oh yes, dating … I actually hate it but dammit a girl gets lonely now and then. “R” and I still talk daily or mostly daily but the conversation level has gone way down and in fact has become quite predictable and boring, like many relationships past their expiry date. I haven’t seen him in a year come Valentine’s Day, nor have I “gotten any” since that time. What’s with that?

Love, that’s what.

But love, this elusive and cruel thing, can only take you so far before you realize that it’s mythical. What’s more realistic but almost as hard to find is a true sense of intimacy with someone. Once you get past all the hurdles and climb all the ladders you have to with someone while dating to get to intimacy, then you have to wonder if it’s going to be worth it. Will they treat you with respect? Will they take the time to care for you, please you (and not just expect you to please them)? Will they wait if you need to wait and hold you when you just need a good snuggle? Or will they just expect their 3 pumps before they roll over and start thinking about work tomorrow?

*sigh*

So I’m single, not dating, not getting any and I’m constantly fatigued. I don’t have the energy for this dating jibba jabba nor do I even have much energy for any thing but work and some days, including work. When does my fairy Godmother bonk me over the head with fairy dust and a wand in order to cure my aching bones ‘n joints and cause Prince Charming-Enough to charge up in his Mustang to the land of Intimacy?

I’m diluded, clearly. And perhaps, I should be drinking. But baby “I love you”. *sigh*

- k

Mirrored from "The Misadventures of Kimby".

Tags:

Why don't I just write country songs? That can't be too hard, right? *ha*

Enough of that silliness, in honesty I have been thinking about resuming my blogging because it used to go so far in keeping me sane. Now, I could use something to keep me awake. The fatigue I feel sucks much of the life out of me and shuts me off from doing the things I love, writing, karaoke, going to concerts, dancing, dating.

Oh yes, dating ... I actually hate it but dammit a girl gets lonely now and then. "R" and I still talk daily or mostly daily but the conversation level has gone way down and in fact has become quite predictable and boring, like many relationships past their expiry date. I haven't seen him in a year come Valentine's Day, nor have I "gotten any" since that time. What's with that?

Love, that's what.

But love, this elusive and cruel thing, can only take you so far before you realize that it's mythical. What's more realistic but almost as hard to find is a true sense of intimacy with someone. Once you get past all the hurdles and climb all the ladders you have to with someone while dating to get to intimacy, then you have to wonder if it's going to be worth it. Will they treat you with respect? Will they take the time to care for you, please you (and not just expect you to please them)? Will they wait if you need to wait and hold you when you just need a good snuggle? Or will they just expect their 3 pumps before they roll over and start thinking about work tomorrow?

*sigh*

So I'm single, not dating, not getting any and I'm constantly fatigued. I don't have the energy for this dating jibba jabba nor do I even have much energy for any thing but work and some days, including work. When does my fairy Godmother bonk me over the head with fairy dust and a wand in order to cure my aching bones 'n joints and cause Prince Charming-Enough to charge up in his Mustang to the land of Intimacy?

I'm diluded, clearly. And perhaps, I should be drinking. But baby "I love you". *sigh*

- k

Tags:

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Sunday, December 05, 2010 8:21:38 PM

who is content with their art –
a fool filling himself with delusion
failing to see perfection can never be attained

what lover leaves a bed still warm with passion –
one who is cooled the moment after fullfillment
with the ice of their own isolation

search for a paradise in the eyes of a stranger
find yourself inadequate, desolate
one who cannot feel love
for one who cannot give love

8:24:36 PM

8:49:07 PM
such a misleading innocense
lit inside his eyes like blue flames
a smile, slight and sly
leading only to vicious submissions
frosted fingers burned down every inch
skin peeled back to bear tensed muscle
hairs prickled with anticipation
his gasp, one of surrender & of guilt
but i, poor i did not anticipate
the disease that spread through blood
leaked into the heart to devour
by means of his very conscious conspiracy
such a misleading innocense …

8:55:08 PM

Mirrored from "The Misadventures of Kimby".

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Sunday, December 05, 2010 8:21:38 PM

who is content with their art -
a fool filling himself with delusion
failing to see perfection can never be attained

what lover leaves a bed still warm with passion -
one who is cooled the moment after fullfillment
with the ice of their own isolation

search for a paradise in the eyes of a stranger
find yourself inadequate, desolate
one who cannot feel love
for one who cannot give love

8:24:36 PM

8:49:07 PM
such a misleading innocense
lit inside his eyes like blue flames
a smile, slight and sly
leading only to vicious submissions
frosted fingers burned down every inch
skin peeled back to bear tensed muscle
hairs prickled with anticipation
his gasp, one of surrender & of guilt
but i, poor i did not anticipate
the disease that spread through blood
leaked into the heart to devour
by means of his very conscious conspiracy
such a misleading innocense ...

8:55:08 PM

Tags:

I stayed up til 2 am working on a video presentation with limited means. I should have gone to bed hours before but I try to get things perfect, little things, down to the milisecond. I’m insane but you knew that.

It’s funny how the combination of the cooler weather, the lack of normal sleep and still trying to get over a little cold has really warped the way the day feels. It feels almost like a weird little anxiety but it isn’t anxiety. I have no way to describe this feeling.

In other news, my boss is getting a puppy. (PS. Since I got laid off last October, I got a new job about 4 weeks later with another agency in Phoenix so my new boss is very puppy friendly.)

There are other bits o this and that but for now, I will say only that there shall be a puppy in my midst soon. I kind of like that idea.

- k

Mirrored from "The Misadventures of Kimby".

Tags:

I stayed up til 2 am working on a video presentation with limited means. I should have gone to bed hours before but I try to get things perfect, little things, down to the milisecond. I'm insane but you knew that.

It's funny how the combination of the cooler weather, the lack of normal sleep and still trying to get over a little cold has really warped the way the day feels. It feels almost like a weird little anxiety but it isn't anxiety. I have no way to describe this feeling.

In other news, my boss is getting a puppy. (PS. Since I got laid off last October, I got a new job about 4 weeks later with another agency in Phoenix so my new boss is very puppy friendly.)

There are other bits o this and that but for now, I will say only that there shall be a puppy in my midst soon. I kind of like that idea.

- k

Tags:

It’s been about a year since I have written any thing, period (other than work emails). I think that at times FMS has totally stolen my pleasure, which used to be immense, in writing and reading. Now, it’s hard to concentrate and hard to work up any coherent thoughts to write. It would be today, this weekend rather when I have both not taken my usual seizure meds and also my “pain” meds (dr perscriped Cymbalta for pain) that I feel an odd, friendly melancholy and wistful feeling of missing something. Enough that it has inspired me to try to write a little before bed.

Molly Gart

it’s a nameless, faceless thing
isn’t Molly Gart – this loss of sense
this loss of You in the mists
again you feel like ghost sheets
ruffed under my fingers when i find
there’s no bones beneath

Molly – have you loved any one
have you ever felt your heart beat?
i have scarcely heard you breathing
since before moss grew on your breast,
since frost over took you there
and since dead leaves covered your hair

can i kiss you one time before i
loose the sense of my body too,
like you have dear? or have we both
become like fly wings dried and crushed
swept away with so much dirt and dust
Molly Gart?

wither like a rose and dry like Earth,
dear Molly, he’s in Heaven with the fish
swim like a feather in blue dreams of sleep
drown like a girl in blood, so cold she
cannot weep, Molly

Well there’s for free styling alright. I actually kind of like it for being totally free association instanity. I should try sleeping. Maybe I should make a doll and name her Molly Gart.

- k

Mirrored from "The Misadventures of Kimby".

It's been about a year since I have written any thing, period (other than work emails). I think that at times FMS has totally stolen my pleasure, which used to be immense, in writing and reading. Now, it's hard to concentrate and hard to work up any coherent thoughts to write. It would be today, this weekend rather when I have both not taken my usual seizure meds and also my "pain" meds (dr perscriped Cymbalta for pain) that I feel an odd, friendly melancholy and wistful feeling of missing something. Enough that it has inspired me to try to write a little before bed.

Molly Gart

it's a nameless, faceless thing
isn't Molly Gart - this loss of sense
this loss of You in the mists
again you feel like ghost sheets
ruffed under my fingers when i find
there's no bones beneath

Molly - have you loved any one
have you ever felt your heart beat?
i have scarcely heard you breathing
since before moss grew on your breast,
since frost over took you there
and since dead leaves covered your hair

can i kiss you one time before i
loose the sense of my body too,
like you have dear? or have we both
become like fly wings dried and crushed
swept away with so much dirt and dust
Molly Gart?

wither like a rose and dry like Earth,
dear Molly, he's in Heaven with the fish
swim like a feather in blue dreams of sleep
drown like a girl in blood, so cold she
cannot weep, Molly


Well there's for free styling alright. I actually kind of like it for being totally free association instanity. I should try sleeping. Maybe I should make a doll and name her Molly Gart.

- k

Tags:

new phone with email!

I got a new phone! After the $150 credit, $50 account credit and $50 rebate, my bill and my phone were way less. After the rebate, the phone will have been like $30.00.

I setup mobile email at my cell phone number @ strangestangel.com or you can email me at swadehed@yahoo.com (I think). I also have gmail.com. LOL

Gotta go back to work!

- k
Not feeling especially great today, something sinusy and making my tonsils hurt. Otherwise I'm in a fair mood. I had an interesting night moving furniture in the office area, getting online for "T's" computer and then some guy related events in her life.

Thinking on the guy related events, I focused on some interesting thoughts and behaviors. One item that seemed like an unintentional theme last night was crushes of admiration. It seems like over time, as we get older we some times develop "crushes" on our peers that are based on our admiration and respect for them. I've had these before which developed into other areas of attraction but lately I've been thinking about someone I know on the basis more of admiration than attraction. While talking with "T", it sounds like she has an admireer that feels that way for her ... a "love" grown out of the admiration and respect felt for her.

I remember touching on this topic in Psych 101 years ago. It seems that it was something I forgot existed, that you could develop an infatuation based on your admiration/envy/respect/etc for someone and realize that you really like them but you're not necessarily attracted to them, per se. That could develop too I would think after enough time but the point is, I think it's an interesting part of human life.

This also leads me to a conversation "T" and I had about romantic love. We know that there are chemical reactions in the brain that cause euphoria when we're "in love". It seems these chemical reactions do fade over time and a lot of couples don't weather this fading effect well. I've been in those relationships before where the lust and chemistry was overwhelming but only to eventually uncover that we had little in common or little genuine affective/respect/love for each other.

I think the secret in that is to realize that the "chemistry" will start to fade. Hopefully what you have at the end of that experience is genuine respect/love/empathy/mutal interests/etc left. Some times your love can become your friend in a relationship but really, they should have always been a dear and respected partner and after the urges leave the relationship, the other good aspects of it should be nurtured.

Blah blah blah, right? I'm just thinking too much. Must be the sinus medication I took.

"Are friends electric?"

They shouldn't be ... and they shouldn't be objects either but fully respected individuals whom you strive to understand. Or something. It's not cold outside, Gary ...

- k

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